B – The Hound of Heaven

-B-

Last night Joel and I met with our pastor and his wife for our weekly mentoring session.

We are going through a book discussing the followership of believers. This week’s chapter was titled “The Hound of Heaven.” It referenced the poem by Francis Thompson who describes the relentless pursuit of God for his soul. The poem talks about how Francis was afraid to accept Christ’s love because it meant he’d have to lose something else. It struck a chord with me and reminded me of three major turning points in my spiritual walk.

The first was getting pregnant, still in college, unmarried. That was definitely not my decision, and it shockingly wasn’t enough to prompt my full repentance, but it definitely shocked my system to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit once more. Up until that point, I was living pretty callously toward God; barely allowing any guilt or shame to touch me. Those two pink lines reminded me that I was not, in fact, in control of my life.

The second turning point came after months of being on the receiving end of a relentless pursuit by the Lord. Every Sunday morning sermon was excruciatingly convicting, but one in particular literally made me sweat. That day, I confessed to my family and to Joel the many lies I had told them, my inner struggle with lust and sexual sin, and how it had not ended after I had gotten pregnant like I had made them believe. I told them everything…sort of. I told them most of the truth. But when asked particularly pointed questions, I lied again. And so began the road to the third turning point.

The third one came after Joel and I got married. Once again, the Lord had not accepted my incomplete repentance and pressed me, fiercely pressed me, to confess once and for all…everything. So one night, I told my husband that I needed to talk to him, and, with literal fear and physical trembling, choked out my final, complete and damning confessional. It was so painful. But in that moment of true, vulnerable, complete obedience to the Lord, I was met with such grace. Joel deeply grieved my sin. But he forgave me. He demonstrated Christ’s love to me, and at last…I was free.

The Holy Spirit never, ever let me go. He didn’t let me get away with my fake holiness and semi-cleansed life. Even in my darkest hours, when my mind was the furthest away from things of God, there was the still, small voice that continued to whisper truth.

“This is wrong. This is not who you are. Come back to me.”

You may be in the same place. By outward appearances, you’re a-okay! But on the inside you are fighting, wrestling, grappling with your conscience. Let me tell you something. You are blessed. The inner struggle is evidence that the Father loves you and is using His Spirit to pursue you. Hope is not lost. If you sense His pulling, don’t discount it. Don’t ignore it. I promise you that living in fellowship with Christ is worth everything.

GUEST WRITER: A Roommate’s Perspective

Editor’s Note: Several months ago, I made the off-handed suggestion that my roommate, Avery, should contribute a post to our little blog, and it really stuck. Little did I know what she would choose to write about. I repeat: she chose the topic. Thus, I would like to state outright that NOTHING from the original has been edited (for content or otherwise), and it appears here in its entirety for your viewing pleasure. Lord, help us all. – Amber

---

Few people on this planet have been in the fortunate position that I am in. Fewer – one, I believe (@Bonnie), have ever written about it on the World Wide Web. So I am your eyes on the inside this fine Tuesday, and I am thrilled to give you a few sneak peaks into what it is like to live with Amber Wilson and events that have taken place in our home.

Let’s begin.

The Move-In

Ridiculous things happen to me. I have terrible luck. And I brought that bad luck with me when I moved in. Not 48 hours after my things were inside I came home to find our kitchen under six inches of water. Amber came home not fifteen minutes later to find me, a little damp, a lot helpless, speechless and trying to phone a friend

Luckily, Amber knows how to be an adult and knew exactly how to begin rectifying the situation. She called help, found towels – normal things. I offered the water removal men a glass of milk from the safety of the stairs. Whatever, it was all I had to give. Two coins, people.

They were either terrible guests, or just lactose intolerant, who can say?

The Politics

Amber voted for Trump. It caused a rift.

What’s that? Oh, just the sound of my personal belongings getting chucked out the window.

Of course I’m kidding, do you even read this blog? #MakeTheBlogGreatAgain

The Intuition

Amber has an uncanny talent for knowing EXACTLY WHAT I’M THINKING. She understands personalities, is deeply empathetic, and reads body language like a human lie detector a.k.a NOTHING IS SACRED. It’s a gift when I really need someone to roll up their sleeves and help me work through my mess. It’s just THE WORST when there’s something I’d prefer to keep to myself.

Example: “Aves, I can tell by the way your foot pointed to your left and the direction of your chin was slightly upwards and at a 37 degree angle to the floor that you actually are deeply in love with __________ and I think covenant marriage would be a good direction from here.”

Oh, okay. Busted.

The Feline

Amber has a cat. He has no name. Thus he is, quite literally, “he who shall not be named.” I am what you might call a “dog person.” Cat is keenly aware of my preferences and has identified me as his official second-favorite person. He has made this choice clear by rubbing his face on me while I’m least expecting it. Given, it is a level of affection not currently being displayed by any human gentlemen, so I guess we must take what we can get, mustn’t we?

No flash photography, please.

The English

Amber is one of those people who are silently correcting your grammar. You’ve been warned. BUT LET THE RECORD SHOW – today she used the adjective “good” instead of the adverb “well” AND IT HAPPENED AND I HEARD IT AND NOBODY CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME EVER.

The Introversion

This might be my favorite thing. Amber and I relate on a deep level over our occasional overwhelming need to not talk to a dadgum soul. But before I met her, I wasn’t NEARLY as talented at introverting as I am now. Amber imparted to me her wisdom in the areas of bubble baths, proper reading environments, long walks, and general recharging.

The Adulting

For those of you who don’t know, I graduated last May. So I haven’t been pretending to be an adult for very long, and I’m not all that great at it. To make matters worse, my scholarship included student housing, so I was a little lacking in the areas of leases and bill paying.

Enter Amber Wilson.

She has renter’s insurance. She checks the mail. She knows how to make sure the electricity doesn’t turn off. She’s my hero. And I wouldn’t have made it this far without her.

The Random

Here’s a list of bizarre things that we have in common, just for my own personal amusement:

1. Jane Austen – we love her, she loves us, we love each other, and it’s beautiful.
2. We have the same birthday – coming at you live from Bastille Day.
3. Tea – people who don’t love tea are sad.
4. We think occasional usage of profanity for the purpose of humor is HILARIOUS. #Convicted
5. We become emotionally attached to the strangers around us and imagine lives for them. It’s not weird.
6. Wine nights – not a shared hobby when I moved in, but it is now, so I’m putting this one here as a personal victory.

So I know that was just a few little snippets – but I hope it gave you some valuable insight into what goes on behind closed doors. What happens is that I create problems, and Amber fixes them.

In all seriousness, Amber is one of the most genuine people I have ever met. She is the same person every day, striving for the same purpose – to glorify our Lord and serve those who He has put in front of her, and I know that because I witness it every day. She speaks thoughtfully, wisely, and offers godly counsel that has helped me navigate this year of constant adjustment and learning. She’s a dear friend, and I know many people can attest to that fact. It is with a thankful heart that I reflect on the gift that is my sweet roommate. She’s a treasure.

Oh, and if you’d like to date her please apply here.

B – Fear Not.

-B-

You know how people post random memes and pictures and quotes on their Facebook and you barely notice 95% of them? Well I recently stumbled across one that caught my attention.

I have two members in my immediate family who struggle with anxiety: my mom and my sister. Amber has been pretty vocal about her battles with anxiety and its effect on her life. Even though I’ve not personally struggled with anxiety on a daily basis, this unofficial “definition” of anxiety struck me sharply. I asked Amber if it would be insensitive of me to write about something of which I have very little experience, but after speaking with her, I felt that it was okay to write this post for two main reasons. First, it can be useful to look at something from an outside perspective. Yes, I may not be fighting down in the trenches, but because I’m not, maybe there’s a chance I can give you a clearer picture of the battle from above—a different angle. Second, despite having avoided chronic anxiety for the most part, I am not disqualified to speak truth and encouragement about a topic that is so relevant today. It seems lately that so many people are wracked with anxiety. I want to help.

1. The feeling where you stay up at night, stare at your ceiling, ask yourself an infinite number of questions, then sit there and debate on whether or not you actually want to know the answer.

I’ve had these kinds of nights. Staying awake, trying to wrestle your brain into shutting down, but being unable to stop the barrage of questions and worries and possibilities and scenarios. Sometimes it seems that if you’re not worried about something, then you must not really care that much about it or its outcome. Right?

Here’s what Jesus told His followers concerning countless questions in Matthew 6:25-27:

“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to Him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?”

Verse 31 goes on to repeat this:

“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need.”

Food. Water. Clothing. Those are pretty major concerns. But Jesus tells us not to worry about even THOSE things. The Lord values us as precious children. So if He is able to faithfully take care of our physical needs, He is more than able to masterfully handle our mental, emotional and spiritual needs, eliminating the need to question and worry in an endless cycle.

2. The feeling where you wonder who truly cares about you and who is just using you; who is there for you and who is so desperately waiting for you to fail. 

Scripture truly is living and active. When I read this particular line, my mind immediately went to two particular verses, not realizing that they were one verse apart. They address this concern so poignantly, almost to the letter.

“Cast all your anxiety on Him (Jesus) because He cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” – 1 Peter 5:7-8

The Father cares for you. Tenderly. Earnestly. Intentionally. Fiercely. The Bible says that just like an earthly father has compassion on his little children, so our heavenly Father has compassion on those who follow Him. Psalm 46:1 says, “God is our safe place and our strength. He is always our help when we are in trouble.” He is always there for us. It describes a Father who gathers us up underneath Himself, like a mother bird gathering up and protecting her babies beneath her wings.

The Bible is also clear on how much the Enemy, Satan, hates God and hates His children. It describes him as a thief, a liar, a lion, a serpent. He makes it his chief mission to destroy, confound, ruin and cripple. He is the one who desperately waits for you to fail.

3. The feeling where you feel like you’re not good enough; that you need to be this, this and this to be successful and liked. You crave for the attention you know you can’t have.

This one breaks my heart. I have felt like this…oh, I have felt like this. When I was in the throes of adolescence, and puberty was hitting like a ton of bricks, I remember sitting with my Dad in my bedroom talking one night about God. I wondered aloud if there was a verse in the Bible where God explicitly said the words “I love you.” After we finished talking, I pulled out my Bible and casually started looking around to see if there was. Not by accident, I quickly came across Isaiah 43:4.

“Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life.”

God loves His children. He loves you. And not because you’re “good enough.” You’re not good enough! No one is good enough to merit the kind of unconditional, selfless, perfect love the Father pours forth. That is the gorgeous picture of grace that Scripture tells us page after page. When we were still rotten, weak, with nothing to offer, Christ died for us. It’d be like us taking a bullet for a mangy sewer rat. It doesn’t make sense! But in His goodness, in His longing for us to be brought back to Himself…He did it. You have His ultimate, unending, undying attention. He literally knows the number of hairs on your head at this moment. The world will tell you lies about your identity and what you must look like, act like, think like to earn success and favor. But it is all a sham. The favor people give us is cheap and hollow. When you know that Jesus is calling out to you with open arms, you see that there is no favor you want more than His.

4. The feeling where you get frustrated because it’s physically impossible to be 100% happy. You want someone to vent to, but no one will understand you.

My friend…it’s true. It is impossible to be 100% happy. That’s the effect of sin on our broken little world. Happiness, while not wrong, is flawed. It’s either incomplete, or fleeting. Not enough or not for long enough. But even when we aren’t happy, or maybe even that joyful, we have Jesus. And He listens to us. Always.

“In my distress I called to the Lord;
I cried to my God for help.
From His temple He heard my voice;
my cry came before Him, into His ears.” – Psalm 18:6

And not only does He listen, but He understands us intimately. He gets it when we aren’t happy. He realizes we’re struggling.

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet He did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” – Hebrews 4:15-16

We don’t have a God who sits up on His high, holy mountain and scoffs at our heartaches. Jesus went through it ALL in His time here on earth. He gets it.

5. The feeling where you question your value, your worth, your pride, yourself, everything…and you think. Over think. All you’re left with, is you, yourself, and a very dark place.

What an attack Satan wages against us. There is so much pain in this portion.

It’s hard to try to tell someone who feels worthless that they are not worthless. “No, really, you are valuable! I promise!” Words are cheap. And words don’t convince broken people that there is hope. But actions do. Whether or not you choose to believe this, two thousand years ago, a man walked this earth and chose to die a horrible, painful death so that you wouldn’t have to. It really is true. Jesus valued you enough to die for you in the ultimate act of selfless love. He treasured you unto death.

Satan loves to muddle the message. Confuse us, trick us, and distract us. Make us over think. Isolate us until we are alone and afraid, and then keep us there forever.

“He says, “Be still, and know that I am God”

Psalm 46:10

Jesus will never leave us nor forsake us to the darkness. He will find us in the deep and walk with us through the fire. You are not alone in this.

“I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t even know who I am anymore,” said the anxiety.

“I am the way, the truth, and the life,” said Jesus. If you seek direction, if you seek truth, and if you seek life, you will find it all in Jesus Christ.

 

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7

 

 

 

A – The Secret Life of Daydreams

-A-

I have a lot of questions.

Most of them I don’t actually speak aloud, but, believe me, I wonder and think and imagine all the time. If I don’t know the answer to my question, and it’s not something that Google can realistically help me with, I will sit there and try to figure it out.

I’m convinced that curiosity is a good thing. If God created us without any desire to get to know the world around us and figure out why things work the way they do, how boring would that be? And my God is FAR from being a boring God. He’s unchanging in character, but He’s dynamic in the way He works.

So, if curiosity is God-given, then imagination must also be God-given, right? We possess the beautiful, singularly human ability to dream, to create scenarios in our heads that may or may not be reality, to see things differently than how they actually are. It’s incredible, really. We can think of things that are not and make them be in our minds.

I have imagined some of the wildest things. As a child, the kingdoms I built inside my head were full of fairies and pegasi (that’s the plural of “pegasus”; I looked it up), knights and princesses, orphans and wolves, and lots of swords. Our swing set became a working farmhouse, and we would constantly be gathering “food for the winter”… which meant we basically stockpiled massive amount of acorns, leaves, and random pieces of bark for absolutely no purpose. Mom was just happy that it kept us busy from literally sun-up to sun-down.

Later on in life, Nervous Nelly that I was, I imagined the most terrible things in great detail. What if tigers surrounded the house and somehow broke down the doors? What if a tornado hit our house while we slept? What if I was cornered in a dark parking lot and forced into a car? Somewhere in our homeschooling curriculum, I came across a book titled “WORST CASE SCENARIOS And How to Survive Them.” It became my constant companion. It told you everything about how to survive in a desert without water and gave step-by-step instructions (complete with diagrams) about how to out-swim a shark. My little mind absorbed every detail and came up with my own horrific ideas. I wasn’t ever truly frightened, but my mind was on overdrive.

I once had an incredibly vivid dream where I learned to fly in my parents’ house. It was truly devastating to wake up and have it all disappear. I could still feel the sensation of pushing off from the ground and swimming through the open air… it felt real.

As I got older, my imagination began to embrace reality a bit more. The castles vanished and were replaced with things that could, maybe, actually exist one day. I daydreamed about dating—this actually occupied a lot of my time, I must admit—or what my husband/family/future life would look like. And let’s be real: I still do this. Often. Too often.

I mean, why was Pinterest created, if not to gather all your ideas, hopes, and dreams into one spot so that you’re able to revel in them at any time?

Imagination has led me to some beautiful places… but, at times, it’s also kept me there for too long. Dreaming, creating, and imagining are gifts, but the way that I handle them can lead to my demise. If I hang out in my daydreams for too long and refuse to surrender them to what I know to be true and right and good, I start to believe a lie. After all, every bit of it is made up inside my head. It’s not real. 

I don’t know about you, but I much prefer real to something masquerading as real. Yes, I have the ability to dream about my future, but I would much rather surrender that at Jesus’ feet and simply walk in what I know is real: His love for me and His plan for my life. I have no idea what that looks like, but I can trust Him to lead.

Trust me, I’m speaking this straight to my own heart here. This is hard.

I’m thankful for my imagination and the wonderful gift it is, but I’m learning the profound truth of taking “captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5).

---

 

Just for fun:

Read this: “God Is Not Boring” by John Piper.

ALSO, I borrowed the title of this blog from the title of a song on one of the best soundtracks of one of the best scores ever composed. If you want to listen, here you go:

“The Secret Life of Daydreams” – Pride and Prejudice (2005)

You’re welcome.