B – The Hound of Heaven

-B-

Last night Joel and I met with our pastor and his wife for our weekly mentoring session.

We are going through a book discussing the followership of believers. This week’s chapter was titled “The Hound of Heaven.” It referenced the poem by Francis Thompson who describes the relentless pursuit of God for his soul. The poem talks about how Francis was afraid to accept Christ’s love because it meant he’d have to lose something else. It struck a chord with me and reminded me of three major turning points in my spiritual walk.

The first was getting pregnant, still in college, unmarried. That was definitely not my decision, and it shockingly wasn’t enough to prompt my full repentance, but it definitely shocked my system to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit once more. Up until that point, I was living pretty callously toward God; barely allowing any guilt or shame to touch me. Those two pink lines reminded me that I was not, in fact, in control of my life.

The second turning point came after months of being on the receiving end of a relentless pursuit by the Lord. Every Sunday morning sermon was excruciatingly convicting, but one in particular literally made me sweat. That day, I confessed to my family and to Joel the many lies I had told them, my inner struggle with lust and sexual sin, and how it had not ended after I had gotten pregnant like I had made them believe. I told them everything…sort of. I told them most of the truth. But when asked particularly pointed questions, I lied again. And so began the road to the third turning point.

The third one came after Joel and I got married. Once again, the Lord had not accepted my incomplete repentance and pressed me, fiercely pressed me, to confess once and for all…everything. So one night, I told my husband that I needed to talk to him, and, with literal fear and physical trembling, choked out my final, complete and damning confessional. It was so painful. But in that moment of true, vulnerable, complete obedience to the Lord, I was met with such grace. Joel deeply grieved my sin. But he forgave me. He demonstrated Christ’s love to me, and at last…I was free.

The Holy Spirit never, ever let me go. He didn’t let me get away with my fake holiness and semi-cleansed life. Even in my darkest hours, when my mind was the furthest away from things of God, there was the still, small voice that continued to whisper truth.

“This is wrong. This is not who you are. Come back to me.”

You may be in the same place. By outward appearances, you’re a-okay! But on the inside you are fighting, wrestling, grappling with your conscience. Let me tell you something. You are blessed. The inner struggle is evidence that the Father loves you and is using His Spirit to pursue you. Hope is not lost. If you sense His pulling, don’t discount it. Don’t ignore it. I promise you that living in fellowship with Christ is worth everything.